In life we come across people who seem to have too much time on their hands to observe what we do; and not only that: they have a special ability to distort everything about us and about everyone they come across in life. Sometimes they are our neighbors, relatives, friends or coworkers.
Gossipers do not discriminate: partners, family members, friends, coworkers, neighbors, and even people they have never met are part of their most forceful speculations. Generally, they are harmful and poisonous.
Gossips want to build their lives based on the lives of others. Thus, what in others may be a sign of admiration, in them it is disguised as envy. “Healthy envy” - they say, justifying themselves.
The truth is that gossips are extremely harmful under any circumstances. And this happens because they drain your positive energy. They load you with negativity, and in addition, there is always some group willing to believe what they are shouting from the rooftops. Not to mention if you have set some limits for them, for example, by saying no or cutting them off! They will try to destroy you in the worst possible way!
The gossip has a clear intention behind every statement or tricky question they ask you: they want to get a little bit of you. In addition, they do not hesitate to form opinions, generally extremely cruel, from these loose elements and in passing, and to tell others about them: this is how they feed their viperous tongue.
Whether they do it because they have nothing else in their life to worry about, or because they want to show off as supposedly “well-informed,” or because they want to set themselves up as the owners of the truth, or of morals, customs, what should or shouldn’t be done, the gossip destroys everything in his path. That’s why the saying “why don’t you buy yourself a life if you don’t have one of your own?” is so famous.
Gossip travels at the speed of sound, and a small comment said in passing and by chance can turn into a tornado. This is how in the neighborhood where we live, at work, and even in certain spaces in the media, insignificant details take on bombastic overtones. The cruelty and bad feeling is what runs through this message that seeks to tarnish you, because no gossip is harmless.
Another ingredient of gossips is exaggeration. Like a snowball, they always add some additional detail to magnify their perception of things. What gossips do not accept is their meanness and pettiness; their inner life and personal reality are so poor that they need to project it outwards, onto others, as if they were directing a film in which someone else acts. But they will never agree with you if you confront them: they will be offended, and, of course, they will deliver their sharpest and most vicious dagger: gossip of greater proportions.
Sometimes we are also the occasional audience for gossip. The typical example is at work, when someone is talking in the hallway, and they immediately try to involve you in order to be part of that kind of 'secret brotherhood' that only seeks to share responsibilities - in case there are problems - or to dilute the blame - if the gossiper feels it. It is known that the burden is less heavy when shared.
What can we do when faced with gossipy people? What would be the assertive attitude to defuse them at the root? How can we deal with these sharp-tongued people who hide behind phrases like “you know what I'm talking about”, “everything comes back”, “who would have thought that…”, “he seemed like such a nice person, but…”?
There are two types of gossips:
- A. The gossip from a good source. This person shows that he has authority in what he knows.
- B. The gossip “seems to be.” Today we know that from the time the original message is sent to the fifth person it reaches, it is usually distorted by 70%.
Rumours are group constructions. Of course, there must be some interest in them since they have their “public”. A rumour is information spread without official verification.
The rumor obeys these three laws:
- A. The law of reduction. When I hear or witness a situation, I tend to shorten it and reproduce it in a concise manner, erasing the details and reducing its length. That is, someone tells me something at a certain length and my brain tends to shorten what I heard.
- B. The law of accentuation. From my perception, I selectively accentuate certain details of the narrative. I emphasize some and leave others aside. There is always an exaggeration in every rumor.
- C. The law of assimilation. I organize the story by giving it a good shape, adding small details that give it more consistency and veracity. Then, when I share it with the other person, he or she will use these three mechanisms again. Thus, as the story circulates from mouth to mouth, it will be distorted in a masterful way, like when we played “telephone” as children.
We know that rumors can destroy couples and/or families and generate a cascade of unexpected reactions. Gossip seduces, attracts, hypnotizes. The wise Solomon said: “The words of a gossip are like sweet morsels that penetrate to the entrails.” Rumors live because people believe in them.
Here are some ideas on how to approach the issue:
- Evaluate whether you are a gossip. With your hand on your heart, if in the last 24 hours you have been interested in, say, 3 issues that are not yours and do not involve you, and you have lent your ears and perhaps your opinion on them, you may be on the verge of being a gossip. And if you spend a large part of the day in the famous "back and forth", you already know the answer!
- Another way to measure whether you are a gossip is to reflect internally on whether you are somehow avoiding your personal responsibility for problems. And to do so, you point your accusatory finger at anyone who dares to remind you of your condition as a responsible human being to take charge of your own affairs and not pass them on to someone else. This is the case of those who live justifying themselves all the time for tasks they take on and do not complete. And when they are given a “no” or a limit, they do not hesitate to resort to gossip among acquaintances to smear you.
- Practice active listening with the gossiper: once you do, you will have discovered their trick; and then, you can ask them bluntly: “Is this useful for me?”, “Is it of any use to me?”, “Is it constructive in this environment - family, town, work, friends?” Observe the response, and then walk away from the person. Leave them talking alone. This is the best way to show them that you are not playing their game: there is no need to get angry or lose your cool. This will possibly awaken feelings of anger and frustration in the other person - along with some additional gossip, for sure. Although, on the way back, they will be very careful to know that you are not in the game of gossip (which, as we saw above, needs an audience to accompany and respond, otherwise this harmful behavior loses its meaning.)
- Don't reproduce gossip. Forget it as soon as it is told to you. Let it go and don't take responsibility. It's the worst thing you can do to a gossip. Stare into his eyes, don't say a word, and you'll see how the gossip's excitement fades because you don't give him the emotionality that the other person was expecting.
- Check relevant information. If, for example, there is very precise data that could serve as a basis for inquiring with the appropriate people in order to build a better result, do so. But do not reproduce the emotionality and negative intention of gossip. It is about deactivating it, or, on the contrary, using it to evolve towards a solution to the problems. As you will observe, this is very different from gossip for gossip's sake.
- Don't take it personally. The fact that the gossiper attacks you is of course an affront; however, what the other person is looking for is to catalyze, through his viperous tongue, his enormous frustration and envy for what you represent in front of him. It could be your professional quality, your salary, your development, or anything else that bothers the other person. Since he doesn't dare to express it in a positive way, and even ask for help if he wants to develop any of these areas, he seeks to destroy you.
- Remember that the envious person does not want to be like you: what he wants is for you to no longer have “that” that bothers him so much.
- Don't share sensitive personal or work-related topics with gossipers. You probably already know who they are, so it's best to keep quiet and surround yourself only with those who support you.
- If gossip is causing a major problem at work, the best thing to do is to defuse it by confronting the people involved. A frank, honest and straightforward discussion by a superior who can take on the role of mediator and facilitator will usually be enough to break down the barriers. Always try to set the limits of this meeting: no aggression, no interruptions; and make the final outcome of this meeting very clear.
- Short phrases to disarm the gossip. “This is none of your business”, “It is strange that a person like you would talk about coworkers in this way”, “I think that what you are saying speaks worse of you than of others”, would be some of these forms.
- Don't work with friends or acquaintances. If you want to have a better life, don't hire people to work with you in positions of responsibility, because in the long run it won't work. Much less if you sense that they are gossips. Of course there are exceptions, which are minor. People close to you will use and abuse certain attributes of trust that are typical of the personal level; and they will not know how to set limits between friendship and work, and that's where the problems start. The best thing is to deactivate and replace them, even if it hurts or creates conflicts.
There is a difference between gossip and rumours; however, in both cases, with the snowball effect, they grow and tend to ruin everything. It is always better to stop them in time; take them one by one; and pass them through the sieve of reason (not of the heart in these cases), and close that open circle that is so unvirtuous: that of the gossip and his enormous desire to gain prominence... even if it means saying things that are not true, and hurting others. To avoid doing so, apply the three filters of Socrates, which you will learn about below.
Socrates' 3 Filters: How to deal with a gossip?
“Master! I want to tell you how a friend of yours was speaking maliciously about you…”
Socrates interrupted him saying:
-“Wait! Have you already put what you are going to tell me through the Three Filters?”
-“The Three Filters…?”
-“Yes,” replied Socrates. “The first filter is TRUTH. Have you already carefully examined whether what you want to tell me is true in all its points?”
-“No… I heard some neighbors say it…”
-“But at least you will have put it through the second Filter, which is GOODNESS: Is what you want to tell me at least good?”
-“No, not really… on the contrary…”
-“Ah!” Socrates interrupted. “Then let’s go to the last Filter. Is it NECESSARY for you to tell me that?”
– “To be honest, no… It’s not necessary.”
– “So,” the wise man smiled, “if it is not true, nor good, nor necessary… let us bury it in oblivion…”
How to apply the Triple Filter in your life
Be aware of the things you overlook in terms of truth, goodness, and usefulness every day, and how you often passively accept information (such as gossip, lies, and complaints). Even if you don't actively participate, you are complicit in these actions by not setting boundaries.
Discard everything that doesn't pass the three filters. If you want a fuller, happier, more motivated and freer life, remember that anything that doesn't pass these filters will likely bring you unpleasant experiences at some point. If applying all three filters seems challenging, you can start with one a month for three months to assess how it improves your balance, well-being and mental and emotional health.
Apply these filters to every situation you find yourself in, especially when you sense that it might have negative connotations. This includes what you say, what you hear, what you allow into your mind, what you do, and what you focus on. If something doesn't pass through at least one of the three filters in the first month, let it go, as it's not benefiting you.
Watch your productivity improve by not wasting valuable time on things that aren't true, good, or useful. Plus, your positive influence by filtering can serve as an example to others, allowing you to have quality relationships that add rather than subtract. It's all about building relationships that positively impact your life.
